Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
who are you?
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