Black thong, sheer white shorts not a professional look. This chick has no idea what sunlight makes her outfit look like.
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.