just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
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