I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
Randomize
