new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
CONQUERED: Sean from next door. Just wanted to let you know ;)
How many people did you send this to?
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
Randomize
