Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
Randomize
