Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
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