R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
I want you more than these girls want KFC
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
found a hand written recpiet for 'one doe fawn' on an open crate in my living room need help to find it
where the hell would u of bought a deer
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Randomize
