Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
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