am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
