***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
Randomize
