Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
I need a burrito and a hug.
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
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