I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
It was a blind-side dick pic.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
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