Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
so we have officially lost him as of 7 hours ago.. already called campus security, the drunk tank and the hospital. figure he'll turn up eventually..
i'll start checking the bushes on campus.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Randomize
