Anything that's based on a blow job I'm in favor of.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
So... Sex in my rain boots last night. Trashy or a great show of character?
If it was with a guy, trashy. Sex with a girl is never trashy.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
Randomize
