WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Randomize
