She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
Randomize
