I wish I could punch you in the face.
Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
Randomize
