i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
Randomize
