Cold hands, warm shart.
I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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