Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize