We drank from noon till 5 am, there was adderall and nice jews involved it was just crazy
PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
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The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
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You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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