He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
HAH. HARRY POTTER CASUAL CONVO HAS BEEN EXTENDED TO DISCUSSING WEATHER. SO PRO
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
