There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
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