I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
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