I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
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