i just sent this text using only my big toe
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
You can't go around chasing people and screaming JUST LET ME LOVE YOU. We're in a public place.
There is a dude with blue hair and a samurai sword and another dude dressed as Dead Pool. I daresay standard social conventions are not applicable in this environment.
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
