Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Randomize
