The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
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