Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
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