I got 70 on my final, or put differently, I got a "still graduating" on my final.
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
Randomize
