i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
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