The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
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