can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
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I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
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