I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
Blood and glitter go together right?
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Randomize
