btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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