shaved balls and baby powder=awesome
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
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you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
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You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
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