I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
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