If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
Randomize
