he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Randomize
