He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
Randomize
