My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
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