We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
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