look no pants
the more pounds shes got the more points. bonus points awarded for specialty moves used. aka broken cowboy, tobogan, dutch oven, or brazilian fake out.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Randomize
