Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Randomize
