What can i say im a girl who smells like weiners.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
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oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
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He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
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