when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
Randomize
