Can i not drive my cunt home
my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
Randomize
