He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
