How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
just smoked a blunt while listening to nsync. i now know what my childhood was missing.
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
Randomize
