Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
entire chemistry final was about beer... i actually might miss this place
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
Randomize
