I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
I really hope the fuck ferry pays me a visit to close out 2011 properly.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
