I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
Randomize
